Hey Hey yo!

Lately I have been pondering exercise and if I am doing enough/too much/not enough for someone my age. I am pretty active for a 19 year old in my opinion. Most kids my age where I’m from don’t exercise at all. They’re idea of exercise is hooking up Rock Band on the 360. However, my idea of exercise really gets my endorphins pumping, and for me it’s not all that strenuous. 4-5 nights a week I go for runs/walks for about an hour outside my house. I have done this for years, and I just find it so peaceful and energizing. This is about my only form of exercise other than my ballet/dancing that I try to do every so often for fun. The reason why I exercise at night is simply because it is the only time during the summer where I can breathe. At night my lungs clear of all the exercise-induced asthma, and I can usually run for 30-40 minutes and pretty much feel awesome. If I were to try to run in the morning or during the day…let’s just say it would not be a pretty sight. I could maybe turn out 10 min if that. There’s just something about the cool night air that I love. I used to spend hours locked away in the gym staring away at the outdoors, but now I’ve found that I enjoy exercising outdoors more in the privacy of my driveway. I think one of the reasons I prefer exercising at home is that I don’t have to subject myself to others and their appearances/staminas. I can walk/run as fast or as slow as I like and not have to stare at the painfully thin women I see exercising like mad. It makes it more for me I guess.

I just thought I would share with you my main form of exercise, which is pretty much aerobic activity only. I don’t really strength train though I would love to get into yoga/pilates more as it will help with my dancing. For some reason I get into my head that aerobic exercise is ten times more productive than lifting a weight or stretching, which is NOT true at all. I know that I need to make time to stretch and challenge other parts of my body, so I’m hoping to work on this.

Also, I’m getting to be a bit uncertain about going back to school. I am so afraid I will relapse…and lately I’ve been struggling quite a bit. I know that I’m not eating enough, yet I feel so huge all of the time I cannot bring myself to eat a real meal. Rather than make myself a tasty nutritious meal…I will grab a box of cheerios and some yogurt…add in some pb and make it a meal. This would be perfectly fine if it were once or twice a week…however lately this is all I have been eating…with a few real meals here and there. GRRR…I hate this. This is how I’ve been living for the past 2.5 years, and it’s so frustrating. My mind has linked eating a sit down dinner to being lazy/fat, so I cannot bring myself to eat a normal dinner. The worse part is I can’t even sit down to eat. I have to eat while standing..which is totally dumb..but it is the only way I can maintain this weight. If I try to sit down and have a meal…i tend to just pick at whatever’s there simply out of habit…and just ignore my hunger.

All of this is totally stupid and definitely a part of my ED still lingering…I know I still need to seek help at least with a bit of nutritional counseling…especially if I want to counsel others some day. I’m just worried I’ll gain more weight than necessary I suppose….but we will see.

This has been a bit long…so if you read all of this props to you! I hope you are all having a lovely day…Now I’m off to watch some Alexa Chung on MTV! Anyone else love this show? She’s quite interesting🙂

Later loves!

Alright…weird question kinda…

Have any of you guys felt ashamed for being at a normal weight and not your previous ED/DE centered underweight self? I am seriously struggling with my body image. I cannot get the idea out of my head that old friends will see me and instantly think that I have gained weight…I know in reality that it is probably not that noticeable, but 10 lbs is a big gain for me and I hate that I am feeling such guilt for being at a healthy weight! It’s so bad that sometimes I won’t even go to walmart for fear of running into people I know or who knew me at my lowest weight…I really think my mind has not caught up with my weight…I still feel urges to skip meals or stick to very light foods for my dinners…I still have no period, which is very disheartening…part of the motivation for me to recover was to have a normal period again…and I can’t even have that at a normal weight…I’ve refused to weigh myself because I feel huge…yet I know I cant possibly know how I’m doing until I step on the scale…the anxiety is so fierce for me because I guess I’ve been so attached to a number measuring my value and confidence…which is SO dumb! I’m realizing that now, and that is part of the reason I don’t want to weigh myself…that number should NOT matter at all! I am me! and I’m feeling a lot better with plenty of energy, so that is what matters!

Alsoooo…I found something amazing at Borders the other day…the New York Ballet Company workout DVD! I’m so thrilled to be able to practice and work on my technique at home now!! Next year I will be a dance minor, so I’m sooo excited to brush up this summer before I go back to school. I also picked up a new book The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I’ve already started reading it, and it is pretty good so far..apparently it’s somewhat of a thriller, but it got great reviews, so I’m hoping it turns out to be good. I also went to whole foods and picked up some fage and bars. I got:

-Dulce de Leche Lunabar
-Chocolate Coffee Jocolat Larabar
-Chocolate Hazelnut Jocolat Larabar
-Coconut Cream Pie Larabar

Yum Yum! I’ve tried them all, and they are all faves! Well I’m off to read a bit, then maybe do some of my dance workout DVD! Have a wonderful night!❤

Booo…today’s work was not fun at all…We were slammed for about 4 hours with initially only 4 people working, which is NOT enough to run a restaurant jam packed with people..Eventually the owner and his son got there to help and things turned out okay…but the owner tends to be rude and quite insulting to women at times..so he makes me nervous. IN fact many men make me nervous…and in some cases they even make me feel worthless and insignificant. I think my dad and his little influence on my life is probably the cause..which eventually led me to turn to ED symptoms…There were many factors, but guys in general..I just haven’t had that much luck with sweet guys I guess…Even my current bf can be a bit of an ass…and believes it is fun to piss me off by calling me fat, stupid, etc. Yea…..I’m struggling with him right now…our relationship has not been great…due to our busy work schedules…I’m at a loss for what to do…He doesn’t seem to want to hang out much due to work…and I’m just tired of it…I need a bf who will support me and be by my side…who calls with loving messages, instead of insults and complaints😦 Yes, I love him..but right now it’s a bit hard…

My mom thinks we should break up..and I should continue looking for a new guy in college…which I’m seriously considering…Though ending a 3 year relationship will be difficult to say the least…He’s been my best friend through thick and thin…I’m not sure I will be able to let him go…but since part of him caused my Ed…maybe it would be for the best…who knows. I’m still thinking…If anyone has an insight on this please share..I’m only 19…it’s hard to know if someone, the perfect guy could still be out there…I don’t know if I should settle…

On another note..food has been not so good…I tried the Kashi Mayan harvest meal..honestly I must not be an Indian fan because that meal just was not tasty to me…I think Ixp’m more of a simple fruit, yogurt, cereal, veggie person myself…SO even digesting processed frozen meals is kinda difficult at times…I know I should be expanding my diet a bit…especially with real, wholesome foods…Not sweets. Lately I’ve been drinking more water instead of diet pepsi/coke and I feel like my cravings and hunger has decreased a lotttt…I hate that feeling about 10 minutes after you drink a diet beverage..and your stomach is bloated, yet you feel a need to eat or get a weird shaky feeling. Does anyone else experience this? I think it’s the aspartame or whatnot…but it’s quite bothersome…

I think that’s enough rant for today…Peace friends😀 Have a great night!

I’m pretty darn tired tonight…I worked 11-2 then 4-830 tonight..and being on your feet serving food and washing dishes…that can get tiring…My back is pretty sore right now..but I’m relaxing with some coffee in bed to ease the pain🙂 I have an odd habit of drinking coffee at night, which allows me to stay up until ridiculously late hours. This is only convenient when I have nothing to do the next day…which thankfully I don’t…So life is good :-]

Today Jarrett and I went out for pizza…He wanted pizza king, so that is where we went…We ordered a medium pizza and breadsticks…Pepperoni of course…and it was delish! At work we made giant cookies and I bought one….to save for tomorrow…then at home my mom had made a giant brownie pizza topped with caramel icing, butterscotch and hershey syrup and nuts…OMG to die for…maybe I’ll post the recipe lata…I had a small sliver with my coffee…and I’m drooling right now just thinking about it…I will definitely chow down on some more tomorrow. Right now I’m just too exhausted to think about food.

Tomorrow I have absolutely no plans, so I’ll probs hit up the gym, take a nap, then possibly hang out with some friends…I haven’t seen any of my friends in so long, so I definitely need to catch up with them. I have a weird habit of isolating if I feel “fat”. I think I convince myself that I am too fat to live like a human being and have fun with people if I am above a certain weight…That is absolutely ridiculous I know, but that’s an ED for ya…I’m really trying to understand why I think the way I do and so much more makes sense now that I’m looking at my Ed from the outside and observing its effects on my mind…It’s very stupid what an ED makes you believe about yourself…the things that go through my mind at times…what I have thought in the past…it’s all pretty ridic..but I’m dealing.

Well right now I’m off to maybes watch a movie and read. Goodnight all.

What what! Hey hey friends! It’s been a couple months or so…but I’m back and will hopefully be posting/commenting more frequently in the future. Life has just taken over…and I have been quite busy lately working and making some serious monayyy!!! Hooray for that! I have been putting some more thought into my blog…and will hopefully come up with some new ideas soon for a more interesting/fun/informative blog. I really love writing/blogging and getting out my feelings and thoughts. Plus I really love the people I’ve come into contact with here, so I really want to make blogging worthwhile and put more effort into it.

So as far as my ED/DE goes…I’m still struggling..but I’m currently at a healthy…somewhat happy weight…and going strong. I’m becoming more comfortable..but I still have those fat feelings every once in awhile…Overall…I’m just trying to live life and not be caught up in obsessing over food and calories. I’m exercising when I feel like it and not stressing over unnecessary food related things. I’m really at peace with where I’m at right now…so that is why I hope to make the blog more of a health conscious informative place for readers…rather than just me complaining of ED/DE related thoughts🙂

I’m not really sure if anyone will read this anytime soon..but guys trust me…I plan on commenting more..and trying to reach out in this blog community. For so long..I have sat back and perused blogs thinking wow these people are so amazing! Wouldn’t it be awesome to start blogging again? Well I have decided to come out a bit more and let you guys know I am reading! Blogging is definitely addicting…and a great way to pass time and learn so much! I’m just excited to post again yayy!

Welll tonight I’m staying in watching some family guy and reading a terrific book. If you come across the book The Pillars of the Earth, and you are interested in history/old time stories, it is aat! I’m just taking my time with it and it has been enjoyable thus far. Nothing really too exciting has been happening this summer…I did get a chance to see Fall OUt Boy in concert! I must say they were killaa! I lovvved them! FOB is one of my all time fave bands and it was amazing to see them all close up. I went with a group of my best friends and we truly had an amazing time…I may be seeing them in concert in August as well..they are touring with Blink 182 and Panic at the Disco…both are loves of mine as well! But this time I’ll be seeing them with my bf (3 years going strong!) Jarrett! Believe it or not..this will be our first concert together..and I am majorly excited!

Well guys enough rambling..my tum tum is a growling! Midnight snack perhaps? I think some cocoa made with almond milk may be calling my name? Teehee! Have a greeat night!

The end of my freshman year of college is approaching so quickly! I’m very excited to wrap up this year and spend my summer working and seeing old friends at home! This year has been rough to say the least, but I have high hopes that next year will be so much better. Lately I’ve been thinking and overthinking everything in my life, and I’ve decided it’s probably best if I write this out just to get it all out of my head and get some clarity.

Alright. I’m going to be completely honest about this and I’m sorry if this is a trigger. I don’t want help. I don’t want to recover. In some ways..in many ways I have as far as the weight gaining process goes…but honestly I feel so fat right now. I think that I have gained the weight too quickly, and my mind has not caught up yet. The urge to restrict has been so great and most weekdays it is what keeps me sane. I simply cannot focus with all of these fat feelings. I feel like life was easier when I was at my lowest…This cannot be true considering I was cold all of the time and I did have trouble concentrating..but for some reason the idea of restricting and going back to my old ways is such a temptation. I feel like no one notices me anymore…I don’t get the compliments I used to that made me feel so good inside…My self esteem has plummetted, and I have been facing depression for several months. I think this is due to improper hormone balances and probably lack of many vitamins. I have not been sleeping well…I am afraid to fall asleep for fear i will wake up and eat everything in sight. I’m not sure what to do. I’m just trying to keep going every day and make myself as productive as possible.

That was extremely depressing, but I needed to just say all of that. I’ve been keeping so much inside for so long. Some major factors that play into these feelings probably include:

-My dad not being there..feeling pressure from him to be perfect
-My mom’s depression..and her misunderstanding
-My wild brother…he has a social personality and has so many friends and does so many crazy things
-My uncaring boyfriend…He feels like because he works all the time it’s okay to not talk to me…We only see each other for maybe 2 hours a week…It’s so frustrating..
-I cannot dance…this year has been so hard for me because I have not had an activity to keep my mind preoccupied..Next year thankfully I will be a dance minor, so I get to take classes again! SO looking forward to that!

These are just a few things in my life that are upsetting me…but looking at that I can be thankful that I have:

-A loving family (my dad sent me a very sweet finals package…he does care a lot :-))
-A great best friend-I don’t mention her often..but my best friend since 6th grade is Lindsey, and she is always so caring and understanding of my problems..She always tries to make me feel better.
-A boyfriend who supports me and works to make money for us and our future.
-A wonderful house, the opportunity to go to college, and very good health ( I have not gotten sick in over a year)

All in all the good outweighs the bad in so many ways…and I am very fortunate…It is terrible that I feel the need to put my body through hell in order to feel good about myself…Sigh..

On another happier note…I’m going to see The Soloist tonight with Linds! Has anyone see it? I’ve heard it’s really good…so I’m hoping it will be…Right now I’m off to get back to studying for my biology final or maybe reading for a bit…Have a great night!

BOOO..RAINN! Today has been so dreary, but pretty relaxing for me. I had a really great Easter. It was just so good to be around family and to be reminded of all that I have to be thankful for. My fam is so amazing..I love all of them so much..though they don’t know of my struggle, they always support me in everything I do..It was just awesome to be around them again😀. DE/ED was pretty much invisible yesterday, and I am so thankful. At first, it was a bit hard, but after diving into my first plate of home made foods, I couldn’t help but have another plate full of delicious dessert! Now, my family pretty much has no health knowledge or interest at all..so most of the foods were extremely fattening and unhealthy starches, but I indulged, and I am very proud of my eats🙂 I sampled my aunt’s delish mac n cheese, sweet potato casserole (umm like 3 servings here. gotta love my sweet potatoes!), 4 little weinies, a bite of cheesy hashbrowns, a sausage meatball (not my fave), some ramen noodle salad (pretty yum), a bite of chicken n rice, some ham, and a bit of fruit salad. For dessert, I had a good portion of chocolate eclair (to die for), a bit of easter bunny cake (funfetti cake in the shape of a bunny), and a bit of chocolate cake. Afterwards, I had a few handfuls of this snack mix my momma made. It had teddy grahams, fruit loops, pretzels, and goldfish. Interesting combo, but quite tasty.

Overall, I’m really satisfied with what I ate, and I’m just glad to have spent some great times with my family. This week will be just another week of school work…ugh..I have a chemistry test on thursday to prepare for, a job interview at Outback Steakhouse on Wednesday, and a Nutrition quiz coming up as well. Not unmanageable, but this will give me plenty to do for sure. Tomorrow..I’m anticipating a pop quiz in Bio..so I should prob get a start on some studying for that. Today has been pretty boring..just chem study session and laundry day :-\

On another note…I started two great books over the weekend..One is called Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett..It is about a thousand pages long and is an Oprah’s Book Club Read. However, it is verry good so far..I’m looking forward to spending some quality time reading for pleasure soon!

Also, I just want to note..that I am SO PROUD of everyone! I know not too many people read my blog, which is fine..but I read many blogs..many people who are suffering with ED/DE issues..and everyone seems to be doing AMAZING in recovery! I know that these past couple weeks have been kinda rough for some of us..but I know we can push through this! I get so excited to read about all of your lives and thoughts, and I know that we will go on to do great things without our ED! Keep pushing..keep trying…the battle is far from over..but it is soon to be won😀 I love you all!