Auditions, Exams, and ANTM!!!

Sorry for the lackage of postage! School has been craaazy just trying to prepare for midterms, but I’m sooo ready for spring break! Tomorrow I have a full day of classes including 2 quizzes, but that’s alright because I’ll be heading home about 5:00 tomorrow evening 😀

Now..an update on this weekend concerning my audition and such. It went okay in my opinion. I, of course was nervous as hell, and a lot of it was just here let me show you once, then you do it. Now I am not a fast learner in any sense..I am a “practicer”..I like to practice and make it perfect before I show others, so this audition was not exactly a piece of cake for me..However, I do believe I tried my very best and gave it my all, so that’s what counts right? I’m supposed to hear the results in the next few days, so wish me luck!!

As far as eats go..pics have been lacking..but it’s been boring nonetheless..I’ll catch you all up Friday fo sho! I’m super stoked for tomorrow though because a few friends and I are going out to catch up! I have not seen these girls in several months, so needless to say I am stoked! They are color guard friends..so we have lots of gossip to catch up on 😀

Sorry for the short and sweet, but the NEW SEASON of America’s Next Top Model is on!!! Girlll.. pleease..LOVE this show! Peace out friends :-]

Ready for another week.

This weekend has been whirlwind, even though I guess I didn’t do all that much. Saturday I had my audition..which was scary to say the least…imagine 50 people dancing in a very small room. They pretty much say okay watch me one time, then show us what you go… Ughh, I am terrible at learning things for the first time, so pretty much the entire audition was a struggle for me, but hey I did it! I am proud that I got up the courage to even go, and I am happy that I did. If I don’t make it, I don’t make it. That just means God has another plan in store for me for the next few years. Jarrett came up afterwards, and we went to Outback..YUMM..I had a delish side salad w/honey mustard annnnndd a sweet potato w/butter and brown suggg!! It was soooo good..Have any of you guys had their sweet potatoes? They are v. amazing. I took off most of the butter because it was a lot..but i kept most of the sugg on there, making it taste fabulous! Because of the lighter meal there, I treated myself to some blueberry chobz as a snack and a couple of toasted arnold thins with cinnamon raisin pb and pumpkin butta heated up in the micro..MMM..so good 😀

I ended last night by staying up pretty late talking to my boy and listening to a friend who was drunk off his ass..I don’t drink myself, but talking to drunk people is hilarious..I finally crawled into bed about 1:30-2ish..and slept til 9 this morn. Today I accomplished a lot of studying..and there is more in store for lata unfortunately 😦 Because I stayed at school, I’ve been pretty much alone for the whole weekend, which has its good and bad points. I don’t have too many good friends here, I pretty much just keep to myself, but I guess I’m okay with that. I will def. be ready to go home on Thursday for sure :-] Sorry to keep this short guys, but I’m off to possibly workout and finish up some chem hw! Later lovelies!

Time for me.

So first things first…I’ve been struggling a lot with DE lately..and lately I’ve just been feeling so down and embarrassed of my eats that I haven’t had much strength to post. Today was better..but I’m beginning to get nervous for my audition Saturday. I have no idea what I should be doing now to prepare..It’s difficult to stretch and such with the roomie here..and I feel like there is little I can do right now to help me..I just keep thinking bad thoughts of what if I mess up horribly? Or I can’t understand what they want us to do? Bahh..I just need to chill and be confident in myself. I need to remind myself:

A) I have danced for 5 years. I have experience. I was color guard CAPTAIN for john’s sake! I know how to dance!
B) I have been to many auditions before, and I have done plenty of across the floors…I am aware of most ballet turns, leaps, and positions, so I have an advantage.
C) I’m only auditioning for a minor, and most of the girls there will be freshman, so there is less pressure to be perfect.
D) I CAN DO THIS! I AM A GREAT DANCER AND I WILL ROCK THIS AUDITION!

Sorry guys, but just putting this all into words really helped with all that I’m feeling right now. I’m sure I’ll post more and talk more about it as the week drones on, but for now this helped immensely!

Onto other things..today was pretty okay..other than I left my nutrition assignment in my dorm! I’m so mad at myself for this! BAHH! I totally did the assignment two weeks ahead of time, and I leave the damn thing in my room! What was I thinking?? I dont know..but now I cost myself 5-10 points..which is alright because the assignment is only worth 20 points..but still I’m disappointed 😦 These things seem to happen every year for me..but then I quickly learn and end up triple checking my bag before going anywhere to make sure I have everything 😀 Sigh..oh well mistakes happen and life goes on..That is what I need to keep telling myself. It’s perfectly OKAY not to be great at everything. I can make mistakes..I can get a C..I can fall on my face..It’s OKAY as long as I pick myself up and learn from it. That is what I struggle with. Perfectionism. Mostly with school work. I want to be the top of my class, I want the 4.0, I want all of the extracurriculars in the world..but this will not happen. All I can do is just study my best and work my hardest, and you know what..I won’t remember the grades..I’ll remember the good times and how I treated others..Sometimes I get so focused on working and school that I forget what life is really about..and that is what I need to work on..Especially my faith and my relationship with Christ. I have not been to church in about 2 years..my mom goes..but I have not had the strength to go with her. I guess in a way I am afraid of what that would bring. Extra commitment maybe? My real feelings that ED/DE has been trying to hide? Whatever it may be, I know that I need to go. If I make one commitment these next couple weeks, I know that I must face God…and hopefully attend church. Has this happened to any other Ed/DE sufferers? Has your ED got in the way of your faith? And if so, how did you refocus your relationship with God? If you have any input, it would be gladly welcomed! Have a beautiful night! ❤ and peace.

Tired is me.

Today has been incredibly long, and I’m so ready to hit the hay..It all began with bio lecture at 8am..then a nutrition quiz at 930..econ at 1230…chem quiz at 2..and nutrition class at 330…Yea..my tuesdays and thursdays are pretty much hell..but that’s the price you pay for a 3 day weekend 😀 Tonight I’m at home comfortable in my bed..I go home pretty much every weekend to work and such…and see the boy of course 😉 While today was quite busy and exhausting to say the least, I had some amazing eats..simple but very filling and delicious of course!  I was a little disappointed..I was too tired to workout..Now I must say, I don’t exactly feel guilty because I know I was on my feet for the majority of the day and prob at least spent an hour walking and climbing stairs..I also managed about 15 min of a morning flow yoga podcast this morning..Man, it was my first morning flow and it was pretty intense..Yoga is seriously a great workout and strength builder! My entire body was feeling the workout, and it felt great just to stretch and feel my muscles working!  I did not make it through the entire class, but my goal for this week is to complete the whole 20 minute flow..and work on improving my upper body strength..This next upcoming weekend I will be auditioning for my dance minor! So in order to work up to that I’ve been practicing my plies and working on leg stretches and such! It will be so amazing to dance again! I can’t wait! Now onto food pics..this morning I woke up ravenous..and had me another interesting little combo!

This..

Plus this..

Close-up

Absolute yumm..I found this pumpkin butter at target, and it is amazing..esp. all warmed up! Tonight for a snack, I stole the idea from Jenn at http://glowingfromwithin.blogspot.com/..but I tried pumpkin butter mixed with stoney field plain yogurt and a pumpkin pie kashi bar..MMM..i also added some cinnamon toast crunch and cinnamon for extra crunch and flavor! It was delightful! AND I went back for seconds..I also had a banana with pb earlier as a snack…I’m really proud of my food choices today..I decided not to cop out on dinner..Originally I was planning on only having coffee..then I realized I AM HUNGRY…Normal people eat when they are hungry…and they stop when they are full..Sometimes..I will admit..I come home so ravenous that I chow down on every goody in sight! I hate the term “binge” but I guess you could call it something similar..I’m just going to refer to it as excessive eating..but tonight I didn’t let that get to me, and I ate a normal sized amount of food that was good for my body..and that is an accomplishment in itself…Now I must get some rest..Tomorrow’s plans include:

-Gym in the morn.

-Food shoppin’…maybe a trip to the mall..we’ll see how it goes..

-BAKING..I REALLY need to make something fun this weekend..and I want to surprise my mom! She’s been sick these past few weeks..and I want to make her something really yummboes to cheery her up!

-Unfortunately..work 5-1030..Bleghhh

OHHHH! I also found arnold sandwich thins at MEIJER!! I’ve been looking everywhere for them, and hopefully tomorrow I can get my hands on some! I’m totally craving a veggie burger and spinach on arnold sandwich thins! Random..but hey I’ve been thinking about it all day! Haha..crazy me..Well tomorrow foodage updates fo sho! Peace loves!

Coincidence? I think not.

So I just got an email..that says:

Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Counseling and Health Services presents:

Monday, February 23 – Friday, February 27

All presentations will be in Lucina 105

Mindful Monday

Challenge of the Day: Cover up your mirrors

5-6 p.m. -My Personal Journey through Anorexia- Kim Gorman, Ph.D.

No Fat Talk Tuesday

Challenge of the Day: Take a day off & be good to yourself

5-6 p.m. -The Real Skinny on Dieting-Ellen Lucas, Ph.D.

No Weigh Wednesday

Challenge of the Day: Don’t use the scale today

5-6 p.m. –Athletes: Pressure to Have the Ideal Body- Steve Graef, M.A. & Kelly Picard, B.S.

Talk Back Thursday

Challenge of the Day: Tune out media messages, turn off the TV, etc.

5-6 p.m. –The Masculine Body Ideal in Diverse Cultures– Panel Discussion

Moderated by Pei-Yi Lin, M.Ed., Ed.S.

Fun Food Friday

Challenge of the Day: Eat something you usually don’t let yourself have

8:00 p.m. -Movie Night: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2- on Channel 55

Eating Disorder Screenings

Tuesday-Thursday at AJ Atrium . . . 11:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m.

Monday-Thursday at Bracken Library . . . 7:00-9:00 p.m.

Free t-shirt with screening!

My first question is..what exactly is an eating disorder screening? And why is it being held in a public place? And why are they offering free tshirts?? I will say that I have never been treated for an Ed..but I believe I have DE in many ways..I don’t ever plan on seeking treatment as long as my weight remains stable..but my thing is i am ashamed..I am afraid of what others will think..I don’t want anyone to know ever that i struggle with this…In real life that is..The blog world is the only space where I can let go of my feelings towards food..I think that at times I should maybe tell someone..but something is holding me back..and I think it’s just worry that others will view me weak and then I will bring on worry to my family..My parents have enough problems..and my Mom deals with emotional eating herself..so I’m not sure what to say…As far as the email goes though..it may be a sign..but I am not going to take it as one…I know in my head I could never go to an ED program..Ok let me rephrase that..Not as an ED sufferer anyways..I would of course attend as a person interested in ED/DE behaviors…while all the while denying myself that I had any problems…This is ed talking of course…What i just said may make no sense, so I’m sorry..but I just have a hard time admitting/talking about things like this…

However..today was good..my class was cancelled..but Linds didnt come up..We decided to wait until next weekend, so she can spend more time here..but food was good and I got a great workout in–>20 min on tread walking and 20 min on ellip..

Now i bring you FOOD..In color! Sorry for lame background..hey i’m a college student..I eat about every meal at my desk..is that lame? :-[

Brekkie..

Cheerios, van. soymilk, and pineapple! Such an interesting combo!

Lunch–>no pic..i woke up late..so meals got shifted..but I added some snacks (i.e. raisins, choc. milk, grapes) to compensate

Dinner:

Spinach salad with egg, fruit cup mixed in (i'm creative), and honey mustard dressing

Dessert: Ghiradelli chocolate with PB..YUM.

That’s all for tonight loves..but i’ll leave you with a couple pics of me..and the lovely boy :-]

Love Love Love..that's what my shirt says..This pic is awkward a bit..but I like it.

Mah boy..in the camping section at walmart 😉 cuz that's how we rolllll

Greens Galore.

So today…I had an excellent salad..Though fairly simple..it just tasted amazing..While I wish I could show a pic, honestly I was starving, the roommate was sitting next to me, and it just would have been weird lol…but anyways it consisted of

-mixed greens

-broccoli

-red pepper

-mushrooms

-almond slivers

-alfalfa sprouts

-tomato

-honey mustard dressing. courtesy of chik fil A 😀

YUMMMM..it was just delish! and totally made my day after 4 classes! I’m slightly freaking about for my chem quiz on thursday..but I’m hoping it will be alright if I just study the practice quiz..That day I also have a nutrition quiz..but I’m pretty confident :D..The good news is I managed a high B on my econ test! Wooohoo…I was super worried about this, and this grade is really important, so I was pretty stoked.

On other more exciting news..My bee eff eff Linds is coming to visit tomorrow! My bio lab got cancelled, and she doesn’t have class at all, so we are going out to eat!  I’m actually rather proud of myself…I feel like this will be a challenge because I have no idea where we are going…It could just be the dining hall..but in a way I’m hoping its elsewhere because I will have no “safe” options..All i know is that I’m planning to choose healthfully, but not at the price of restricting..Today has been difficult, but eating dinner tonight made me feel better, so that’s always good 😀 I think that’s all I have tonight, but wish me luck for tomorrow’s lunch experience! Loves!

Monday Madness. woah baby.

Today, since 9am, has been pretty much rush rush rush.  I woke up early to go to my advising appointment, where I worked out my schedule for this summer and next fall.  This summer I’m taking online classes to get ahead and just to get stuff out of the way, which I’m actually excited about 😀  Then I planned out fall, which is looking like anatomy, food prep, organic chem, and prob intro to fcs..Yay..It shouldn’t be too bad..well except for anat and organic :-[ We’ll see…Anyways after that, I had chem lab..yay boring decanting and centrifuging! LOL..yea I barely know what those mean either, so don’t feel bad 😀 Anyways, after chem I rushed over to turn in my dance audition application…I’m auditioning to be a dance minor for next year! YAY! Guys, you don’t know how happy dancing makes me…I miss it so much..and I REALLY hope I do well at the audition..I will be super nervous, but I know it will be good for me…This goes along with the concept of finding myself…and defeating ED/DE.  I know there is pressure to be thin in the dancing world…BUT it also means I will have things to look forward to, and to energize myself for…I will have to eat to have energy at class..and that will be motivating in itself to continue to put plenty of nutritious food into my body :-D..I think it will help my confidence as well and make me feel like life has purpose again..Lately, I’ve been a bit of a downer..I dont know why either..I mean I have pretty much everything to live for..I’m a college girl! I get good grades! I have a loving family, and a loving boy! I have friends who support me!  All of these are great, but there is something missing…and for me dance is it..I believe that it will complete me, and I can use it as an outlet for my feelings.

This brings me to what happened last night..and I felt horrible..Jarrett and I had decided to go to dinner…He wanted Outback at first..but then changed his mind at the last second to applebees..Now this is fine..I was okay with it..but I get in the restaurant, and I absolutely freak..It has been awhile since I’ve been to Applebees..and honestly I don’t love it..I used to..but I prefer more healthy, whole foods like a giant spinach salad with tofu, carrots, broccoli, strawberries…mmm..but the point is..they really don’t serve that kinda stuff there..and it was making me uncomfortable..Jarrett claimed that he was starving and had not eaten ALL DAY..I had eaten earlier, and it made me feel so guilty that I had already eaten…like I had spoiled the date..and he was pressuring me to order..and ED jumped in and said NO you already ate, you dont deserve this…So..I did order..but I did not touch the food..I told Jarrett I wasnt feeling good..and he made me order…I felt terrible and just so guilty about the whole thing..why had i eaten? why couldnt i eat like a normal person? Blah..it was just a bad experience..and I’m getting sad just thinking about it…I know this needs to stop…I want to go out and enjoy life, but it is so hard with ED…I’m sorry if this may have been triggering to anyone..I’m not sure what is triggering anymore..but for me the comment “I have not eaten all day” did me in…How do people not eat all day? I don’t know..I just felt weak inside..the competition in me said I could not wait it out so I was a failure…Grrr..Oh well today is a new day, and I do feel better..Hopefully I can make it up to him somehow..

Tonight’s plans include a leadership meeting, then some hw..then bed..I’m a tired little girl..Hope you all are having a wonderful monday! Loves!!

SECRET BLOGGER VALENTINE!

AND MY SECRET BLOGGER VALENTINE IS….

DRUMROLL>>>>>>>>>>

JULZ!!!!

A HANDMADE CARD!!!

My lovely girl JULZ is my SECRET BLOGGER!! My comp has been super slow lately uploading pics, so I’m posting this a bit late..I arrived home yesterday, and my mom announces there is a big box for me..Instantly a big smile appears on my face! CUPID TIME!! and this girl went ALL OUT!  She individually wrapped every single goody inside! And trust me, she hit the nail on the head!! Here are a few pics of the loot:

THE PACKAGES!!

The cute card and mug I found when I first opened the box!

AN AMAZING HEART OAT BOWL!!

Me posing with the bowl...MMMM!!

TLC Crackers and Raspberry Dark Chocolate Bar!

Peanut butter cookie Luna Tea Cake and a Heart RING POP!!

Letter Stationary!! Aweee! J for Jenny!

PEANUT BUTTER PACKETS!!

BARS! (3 Choc. Coconut Chew Larabars, 2 Coconut Cream Pie Larabars, 4 Jamfrakas, 3 Marshmallow crisps, 1 apple pie larabar, 1 banana bread larabar, and 1 cherry pie larabar!

MY FIRST EVER GO RAW BAR! I'm so excited to try this!

An angel..to always watch over me in my journey to recovery..Julz is such a sweetheart!

Celestial Dark Chocolate Raspberry TEA! and the book EAT PRAY LOVE!! YAY!! I've heard so many good things about the book..and the tea looks fab

YAYY!!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH JULZ! You are an amazing person..just taking time for someone you hardly know to do all of that..and totally make my day..you are just so sweet! Big blogger HUGS! :-]

I’ve already named the bear Covey..I have a thing where I must name all of the bears that I receive..and since this bear is related to recovery, Covey came to mind..I think it is the perfect name..and he is sitting on my bed as of this moment! Also, I sampled quite a few of the goods already…Hey, food supplies were low..what’s a girl to do! I loved the marshmallow bars! The chocolates were to die for! And the peanut butter tea cake was absolutely YUM! Julz sure knows my taste!! I am super excited to try the TLC crackers and the tea looks amazing as well..I may get me a cup in a few! I’m just so pleased right now! I’m off to maybe get coffee with some firends and enjoy the night! I hope you all have a FABULOUS valentine’s day tomorrow! I’m planning on dinner with my boy! Until later loves!! <3.

Early mornings; busy day.

Today was filled with class and homework..BLAH.  I woke up ealry for my 8am Bio lecture..boring as usual..then trekked back for some cheerio madness in some warm soymilk with a sliced banana and a side of grapes 😀 I must say grapes are pretty much my fave when it comes to college fruit..Other faves include pineapple, mixed fruit (pineapple, grapes, pear, cherries), and of course the traditional apples/banana.  After my breakfast, I did a quick 35 min on the ellip., while reading..During the course of my workout, I was sweating FURIOUSLY..It was DAMN hot in the workout room..Probs due to the unusually nice warm temps (50* babies!)..but usually during my workouts, I don’t sweat..barely anyways..I’m not sure what this means..It could be a number of things, but it was prob just the warmer atmosphere..Afterwards, I felt amazing and chilled out in the dorm reading blogs before my 12:30 Econ class..I’m finding Econ to be a hard subject..WAY too confusing for my science geek brain..After Econ, I headed to Chem lecture, and finally wrapped up with Nutrition, which was interesting and fun as always 😀

After class, I’ve been working on studying some for my Econ test on Thursday..and prepping for my Bio Lab tomorrow..I was not at all hungry for dinner, but munched on some broccoli and fruit to get by.  I know it wasn’t enough, but I’ve been feeling DE sneaking in lately..and I felt guilt from eating a bigger breakfast this morning..I absolutely love brekkie, and I realize it is THE most important meal of the day..I believe I am truly fueled properly when I eat a healthy breakfast, and I should not feel any guilt at all about it..but instead I should be working on upping my cals throughout the day as well..This is easier said than done..considering the habits ingrained in my head from 2.5 years of terrible habits and scheduled eating..For most of you that don’t know..I have had miserable eating patterns these past couple years..Some days I would only consume coffee and sun chips..while maintaining a fairly active lifestyle…If there was a big meal ahead, I would always restrict beforehand…and therefore, my life was spent always starving, waiting for the next meal..I know this is no way to live..and by putting on weight, I now better know the feelings of hunger and satiety..I’m hoping though to continue to progress every day and get into a very healthy eating pattern!

I believe that is all for tonight! Keep on reading..I may throw in a pic or two tomorrow friends! <33

Stomach aches & weekend fun.

So this weekend started out pretty well..I mailed my secret cupid package on Saturday..but unfortunately I misunderstood the lady..and picked the wrong service…or something along those lines (umm first time at the post office here! it only took 19 years for me to mail my first package lol!)..anyways they said it could be up to 10 days before she gets it! Hopefully that will mean only a day or two late! Sorry blog valentine lover! But it will be worth the wait!!

On another note, I tried these amazing morning star chik’n strip…omg..you must try these! I’m not a meat lover..really at all..but for some reason soy meats taste extremely good to me! Maybe that means I was meant to be a vegg..who knows..at least I’m now meeting my iron/protein requirements! Ive noticed my body is becoming more toned for running.  For exercise, I’ve been running/walking about 4 days per week..I think I’m going to begin to mix that up with more ellip/bike to allow overall leg toning..My calves seem HUGE right now..Does this happen to anyone else? Hmm..back to the weekend..Saturday night I spent some time with Jarrett…we got coffee and headed to Border’s, where I picked up the book the Life of Pi. It looks good..I’m anxious to begin reading it.  Sunday, however, I woke up to go to work about 930..I wasn’t planning on having breakfast, but I decided to anyways…I made the mistake of combining a slice of cinnamon raisin bread with a balance bar..and some choc. cake..I washed that down with choc. soy milk (BIG MISTAKE..this is what happens when I run out of fruit).  I get to work, and I begin having terrible stomach pains! I get home, and I can barely move..I am so nauseous..and I feel things start to come up..as soon as my mom leaves to get me a trash can, I hurl all over my bedroom floor..great timing right! Immediately, I feel so much better!  I’m thinking it was just the bad food combo..but today I’ve been a bit queasy as well..I don’t know..Hopefully I’m not getting sick..

As far as eats go..today has been light:

Bfast: Kashi GO Lean Cereal with 1/2 c. skim milk and fruit cup

coffee with milk/splenda

Din Din: most likely a salad..I’m not feeling up to much today 😦

That’s it for now friends! Have a wonderful evening! ❤