Today, since 9am, has been pretty much rush rush rush. I woke up early to go to my advising appointment, where I worked out my schedule for this summer and next fall. This summer I’m taking online classes to get ahead and just to get stuff out of the way, which I’m actually excited about 😀 Then I planned out fall, which is looking like anatomy, food prep, organic chem, and prob intro to fcs..Yay..It shouldn’t be too bad..well except for anat and organic :-[ We’ll see…Anyways after that, I had chem lab..yay boring decanting and centrifuging! LOL..yea I barely know what those mean either, so don’t feel bad 😀 Anyways, after chem I rushed over to turn in my dance audition application…I’m auditioning to be a dance minor for next year! YAY! Guys, you don’t know how happy dancing makes me…I miss it so much..and I REALLY hope I do well at the audition..I will be super nervous, but I know it will be good for me…This goes along with the concept of finding myself…and defeating ED/DE. I know there is pressure to be thin in the dancing world…BUT it also means I will have things to look forward to, and to energize myself for…I will have to eat to have energy at class..and that will be motivating in itself to continue to put plenty of nutritious food into my body :-D..I think it will help my confidence as well and make me feel like life has purpose again..Lately, I’ve been a bit of a downer..I dont know why either..I mean I have pretty much everything to live for..I’m a college girl! I get good grades! I have a loving family, and a loving boy! I have friends who support me! All of these are great, but there is something missing…and for me dance is it..I believe that it will complete me, and I can use it as an outlet for my feelings.
This brings me to what happened last night..and I felt horrible..Jarrett and I had decided to go to dinner…He wanted Outback at first..but then changed his mind at the last second to applebees..Now this is fine..I was okay with it..but I get in the restaurant, and I absolutely freak..It has been awhile since I’ve been to Applebees..and honestly I don’t love it..I used to..but I prefer more healthy, whole foods like a giant spinach salad with tofu, carrots, broccoli, strawberries…mmm..but the point is..they really don’t serve that kinda stuff there..and it was making me uncomfortable..Jarrett claimed that he was starving and had not eaten ALL DAY..I had eaten earlier, and it made me feel so guilty that I had already eaten…like I had spoiled the date..and he was pressuring me to order..and ED jumped in and said NO you already ate, you dont deserve this…So..I did order..but I did not touch the food..I told Jarrett I wasnt feeling good..and he made me order…I felt terrible and just so guilty about the whole thing..why had i eaten? why couldnt i eat like a normal person? Blah..it was just a bad experience..and I’m getting sad just thinking about it…I know this needs to stop…I want to go out and enjoy life, but it is so hard with ED…I’m sorry if this may have been triggering to anyone..I’m not sure what is triggering anymore..but for me the comment “I have not eaten all day” did me in…How do people not eat all day? I don’t know..I just felt weak inside..the competition in me said I could not wait it out so I was a failure…Grrr..Oh well today is a new day, and I do feel better..Hopefully I can make it up to him somehow..
Tonight’s plans include a leadership meeting, then some hw..then bed..I’m a tired little girl..Hope you all are having a wonderful monday! Loves!!
Hey girl! I have not struggled with an ED, so I am not sure about the triggers. I do know that some people say “I havent eaten all day”….when in fact they actually have and just feel so hungry, they are prompted to say that. On the other hand, we all know deep down inside that not eating all day is unhealthy and bad for your body! HANG IN THERE GIRL!!!! IM ROOTIN FOR YA! 😉