Alright…weird question kinda…
Have any of you guys felt ashamed for being at a normal weight and not your previous ED/DE centered underweight self? I am seriously struggling with my body image. I cannot get the idea out of my head that old friends will see me and instantly think that I have gained weight…I know in reality that it is probably not that noticeable, but 10 lbs is a big gain for me and I hate that I am feeling such guilt for being at a healthy weight! It’s so bad that sometimes I won’t even go to walmart for fear of running into people I know or who knew me at my lowest weight…I really think my mind has not caught up with my weight…I still feel urges to skip meals or stick to very light foods for my dinners…I still have no period, which is very disheartening…part of the motivation for me to recover was to have a normal period again…and I can’t even have that at a normal weight…I’ve refused to weigh myself because I feel huge…yet I know I cant possibly know how I’m doing until I step on the scale…the anxiety is so fierce for me because I guess I’ve been so attached to a number measuring my value and confidence…which is SO dumb! I’m realizing that now, and that is part of the reason I don’t want to weigh myself…that number should NOT matter at all! I am me! and I’m feeling a lot better with plenty of energy, so that is what matters!
Alsoooo…I found something amazing at Borders the other day…the New York Ballet Company workout DVD! I’m so thrilled to be able to practice and work on my technique at home now!! Next year I will be a dance minor, so I’m sooo excited to brush up this summer before I go back to school. I also picked up a new book The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I’ve already started reading it, and it is pretty good so far..apparently it’s somewhat of a thriller, but it got great reviews, so I’m hoping it turns out to be good. I also went to whole foods and picked up some fage and bars. I got:
-Dulce de Leche Lunabar
-Chocolate Coffee Jocolat Larabar
-Chocolate Hazelnut Jocolat Larabar
-Coconut Cream Pie Larabar
Yum Yum! I’ve tried them all, and they are all faves! Well I’m off to read a bit, then maybe do some of my dance workout DVD! Have a wonderful night! <3
as someone who had her entire ED weight broadcast to the world on screen, i know exactly how you feel – every time i meet a fan or someone who doesn’t know me in my every day life, i know they’re thinking, “what’s up? she gained a lot of weight.” a lot of people comment, asking if i’m pregnant. but even that – so what? that’s the worst that can happen. they comment. and if i don’t allow the comments to hurt me, nothing can! i know the truth – i’m happy and healthy as i am now.
You are definitely not alone in your discomfort at a healthy weight. I still see girls who are obviously underweight and wish I could be that way again, but then I remember that I am healthy and happy and not going crazy about calories anymore. It’s rough, but we need to remember how much better off we are at healthy weights!